ND Democrats Announce Kroll’s as State Convention Site (Satire)


With only about a month and a half to go before their 2016 state convention, the North Dakota Democratic-Non Partisan League has announced the location of their Bismarck-based event will be the Kroll’s Diner on the corner of 19th/ Airport Road and Main Street/ Old Highway 10. Party Chair Kylie Oversen emphasized that attendees should make sure they don’t confuse this restaurant with The Little Cottage Café just down Main at the corner of 26th Avenue.

“It is an easy mistake to make; I have done it myself,” said Oversen, “Especially since both locations are on Main and would do an excellent job accommodating our convention goers. Plus, I believe they are both offering that all you can eat pigs in a blanket special all day Saturday.”

Oversen stated that full details will be announced on their Dem-NPLconvention website. This statement matches what has been posted to that website ever since the convention was first announced on it, and likely will remain consistent with what will be posted there a week prior to the Mar 31st – Apr 2nd event. By comparison, the NDGOP Convention has a tentative agenda and travel information among other information available to their delegates.

Dem-NPL Convention
ND Dem-NPL State Convention information available as of Feb 15th.

“I guess you could say we are still finalizing the agenda,” Oversen stated when pressed for details. “We are of course flexible with that agenda, which is easy to do when you can’t find anyone to be on it to begin with, just like we can’t find anyone willing to run.” Oversen then immediately denied the statement, but could provide no highlights for the agenda other than the dates of the convention and Kroll’s location. “We are still working with Mylo Hatzenbuhler’s people, but we are not sure if they know how to text message so we may be out of luck there.”

Party Executive Director Robert Haider stated the unusual venue for their state convention had nothing to do with low anticipated attendance. “But, we do see it as a chance to generate interest in the party – ANY interest – and what we stand for on a more one on one level,” said Haider. “We even plan to pay for the meals of any restaurant patrons who agree to run for statewide office as a Democrat. I said before we would have a full ticket, and with this focus group-tested strategy, I feel confident we will.”

The NDGOP has three gubernatorial candidates. They also have one for US House, one for US Senate, one for Insurance Commissioner, one for Public Service Commissioner, one for Treasurer, and two for State Auditor. They also have two candidates seeking a letter of support for the DPI Superintendent position. The Libertarian Party has candidates for every office except Governor and Treasurer, while an independent candidate is running a write in campaign for Governor. The Democratic-NPL party, by comparison, has no announced candidates. “Well, I guess there is that McGarvey, Sr. guy,” stated Haider. “But right now we are trying to determine if he is a serious candidate, or just trying to increase the number of followers he has on Twitter so he can sell more cars.”

A spokesperson for Kroll’s did not comment, except to say off the record that they will ‘try to work something out’ for Saturday of the convention as they don’t usually take reservations. He said, “We simply can’t risk the guaranteed business from the large Saturday errand-running crowd, for what will certainly be a couple of 8 topper tables of business at best. Plus, we understand they are bad tippers.”

Yes this was satire. Deal with it.